LadyAlissiya’s Blog

I am always bad about keeping up with this blog.  Shame on me.  Life has been busy.  I have been working hard at school, trying to keep up with house work (not very well might I add), spending some times with Chris, and then also trying to keep sanity.  Sam State is once again making things hard today.  I need to get advised, but my advisor is only in on Tuesdays and Thursdays (which are my long days) and for limited hours.  If I go, I risk a super long wait and missing class, but if I don’t I can’t register.  WTF???  It’s the most retarded system like that.  I just want to get things in order and I have no time.  It’s been a major frustration today.  I waited at the counter at the Sam Center for 30min (standing) cause they couldn’t figure out what I needed to do, and then they come back with a one line answer.  “Oh, you will need to see your advisor.”  Well, DUH!  Why else am I here, Oh wait, he left early.  My fault? No.  He changed his schedule.  Awesome.  So then I go to the music office to see if there is ANYTHING they can do for me, and it’s more like a “we’ll see” sort of answer.  So yea.  ARG.  I am so sick of this…of being led in circles by Sam.  I know aTm was bad too, but I could get stuff done at least.  Oh, and the advisor doesn’t take appointments…walk ins only…which is even less helpful.  Sweet deal right?  I am just wanting all this to be over.  At this point I question if this crap is all worth the small piece of paper I might receive at the end.  I am starting to doubt it.  I recently feel very uninspired.  I dread mondays, and pretty much just live for the weekend.  Oh and Sam’s IT sucks today too.  Pretty much nothing is loading right now…oh except the main page…but I think that’s just to give “hope”, that way the site gets the satisfaction of frustrating you too.  It’s the Sam way.

Is it over yet?

You know, in a perfect world things would be so different.  Everyone would live in decent houses, and have good education.  We would all have enough money to make it every month.  There wouldn’t be wars and disputes about who worships what God, and why each person’s views are better then another.  People would respect each other.  Love would abound and people would share.  It’s funny how some of the most basic things though are not possible.  The values we are taught (well most of us anyways) when we are under the age of ten of sharing, respect, and the ability to get along all go out the window once you’re an adult.  Why is this the case?  Why can the idea of respect, kindness, courtesy, honesty, sharing, and simply the idea that we can sometimes agree to disagree not work for adults?  What is the point of the phrase “act like an adult”?  I know more children that behave better, or at least have a lot more hope of becoming better people then those who are already set in their ways.  I am amazed everyday how little goodness I see in people, and the people that have it have it in spades.  There seems to be little distribution of these basic ideas.  Maybe I am just disappointed in humanity, but I am.  They see not what they do.

We found out today that a good friend has passed away earlier this week.  Randy was a friend of both Chris and I from work.  I am not one to grieve openly I suppose.  I especially won’t around Chris right now since he is having a hard time of it as it is.  I just can’t sleep right now, and I feel that it is my time to grieve.  With every person that passes we all feel regrets…things we wanted to say or do, or in some cases getting a chance to say good bye.  I know if I talked to Randy right now, he’d be all understanding, because that’s how he was.  I haven’t had a chance to go back to my old work since I have quit.  I wanted to once school had calmed down/was out on break.  I still will likely once I am, but it won’t be the same.  Randy had a special way about him, and was easy to talk to and hang out with.  I know I am not the hardest hit person by this, but I was really fond of him.  I always wanted things to work out happily for him, and I still hope that he was at least happy enough.  I always look back on the dinners up at work with him and Chris, the time we made him come to Ren Fair with us, the various smoke breaks with him (even though I wasn’t smoking), and all his own personal insights on things.  I think that out of many of the middle aged people I know, he had learned more then most about life in general.  I also regret that he never got to go to Japan as he had wanted to.  He may have not known it, or admitted it, but he had alot going for him as a person.  Life is so precious, yet so many of us take it forgranted.  I think death is a way for the rest of us to learn to love life.  I pray that he is in a good place now, and finally happy.  It will take time for our hearts to ease.  We will never forget your kindnesses or the good times we shared.  I hope to dream of you and say my final goodbyes.

This is so much more to say, but I don’t think words can fully express how I feel.  I am finally crying my grief, and it is a good thing.

Well hurricane Ike came through last night/this morning.  I slept through most of it.  It was windy and wet, but it wasn’t too bad.  I don’t think we have much if any damage.  There are some major pluses being in a house.  It was interesting listening to the wind rushing.  It sounded kind of like a water fall…well I guess it kind was like a water fall, only side ways lol.  My mom is fine too, just without power right now.  My sister and her family is staying with us for now.  We don’t know how their house held up, but they are doing fine since they sheltered with me.  The kids didn’t really sleep last night though.  Besides that, I woke up several times when the wind woke me.  I’d look out side and see the horizontal rain, and then decide to go back to sleep.  That’s pretty much how I spent my morning.

Oh and my other peice of news.  I am not working anymore.  I was working night shift, but my school was asking too much of my time and I had to quit so I could get some sleep.  That’s about it.  I am enjoying my off time now, and having a chance to do stuff around the house and homework is nice.

Well hope all is safe.  Take care all.

Due to the spam problems I have been getting on this, I have had to require everyone who wishes to comment to create an account AND be logged in.  I am sorry about, but sadly I just can’t keep deleting spam on a daily basis.

I know this is a common theme for me, but it’s just because I am excited.  I had classes yesterday and I have yet to be disappointed.  Choir is just awesome.  I love the feeling of being part of a fantastic group of singers, and having the waves of music rush my ears.  Not only that, but I love to hear and be a part of music that can move you.  I like to get chills when I hear something truly splendid.  I am really just overwhelmingly happy with where I am at so far.  My conducting teacher stated in our last class that we are all music majors because we feel passionate about it…not because it is easy, and that is so true.  I think that many, if not all, music majors feel it in their soul…this is where we belong…this is our purpose.  I hear so many people say that it’s an easy major, but they just do not understand.  Here’s an example: music majors have many one credit classes, which in course work amount to a WHOLE lot more.  We have to practice every day, and we must be smart to grasp the concepts given.  I have heard many PhD’s of music say that it is possibly one of the hardest majors…even compared to medical or law school (not saying medical or law school is easy either!)  It always surprised me when I’ve been told that, but I hear it everywhere in the music field.  I am not really that shocked though now.  I have seen so many kids start their degree only to switch or drop out because it was too hard for them.  You really have to have passion and brains be get anywhere…and of course talent.   In addition, the study of music is much more then just learning to sing or play something…you have to know the physiology of what makes the sound, both in the instruments and in your body, how not to injure yourself doing your art, as a singer you learn International Phonetic Alphabet and use it for diction, you must research everything, you learn how other instruments work and how to teach them…even if it’s not your principal, you learn music theory (how it is actually constructed), musicianship (which is sight-singing and ear training…which is VERY hard), you learn how to conduct (which involves almost dance like movements…and combines motion to the psychology of the performers), you learn how in turn your audience will be effected by your music, you learn to be in a group and blend, you learn to be a leader as well as a follower, and this is just the beginning!  State legislature is asking colleges to REDUCE the credit hours required for music majors to graduate.  Currently, 136 hours is the norm.  Legislature is asking it to be lowered to 120.  I will likely have over 150 before I can graduate.  Mind you they have already taken off requirements for 4 levels of a foreign language in order to reduce the hours required. Keep in mind, this is just for a bachelor’s degree…just wait till graduate school! Now tell me that anyone can do this, and that it is easy.

Let me just say this though… if it wasn’t for the passion I have found in music, I likely wouldn’t have bothered with college.  Nothing in this world has inspired me, until there was music.  If it wasn’t for specifically Donna Hinds Sawyers (my voice teacher for many years), I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I am truly grateful for the chance I have, and I know that some day I will make it where I want to be…one way or the other.  I may only sleep 5 hours a day and work full time to get there, but I will make it through school and be a true musician in my own right.  Right now I am at work, running on 5 hours of sleep, and studying.  After work I will leave for class, do my best, come home and eventually go to bed.  This is how things are, but I am still just happy.  It has been a while since I have been so awash with happiness about school and my future.  To you out there that say music is easy…trade me for a week and then say it.  It will touch your soul, and you will be forever changed…you just have to find the right music.  You may also learn a thing or two about the detication it takes.

Ok..ok..

*gets off soap box*  I’m done for today! lol…now back to studying!  Oh!  The joys!

Wow, after a long battle to get accepted into the music program…I am in!  I am all signed up and have already started classes.  Oddly enough though…today I went to get my school books and of course there is all this school apparel for sale.  Normally in the past I ignore this stuff for the most part.  Today though I had a strange urge to buy something that says “Hey! Look!  I go to Sam Houston State!”  Now, I didn’t give in to this idea, but it did strike me as odd.  Although it was a major pain in the ass to get everything worked out with the school, I am just so ecstatic to be there.  I know it won’t always be easy, but it is my dream to finish and to work doing something I love and have a huge passion for.  I don’t think every person in this world is so blessed to know exactly what can make them happy, but I have never been so sure in my life as I am now.  There has always been something almost magical to me about music, maybe even spiritual in a sense.  Not that I sing to or for God, but more that I feel almost one with everything when doing music.  Well, that is…if I get it right! LOL.  Unless you have such a passion for something, I doubt my readers would know what I mean..but regardless, it is special to me.  Well I have class later today, and I have some studying to do.  More updates later…perhaps about my classes!

Well I know it has been a little while since I have really given a good update on things.  This Thursday I have an audition for Sam State.  I am very nervous…but I just have to give it my all.  I have no idea how it will go, but I can just hope for good things.  I have already come to terms with the fact that I am likely going to have to repeat some classes.  I can’t see a way around it.  I have been so out of touch with my music theory and musicianship it’s ridiculous.  Perhaps I just have to look on the brighter side of this and just think that I will be a better musician if I do.  I know I will also have to take a bunch of piano.  It has always been a weakness of mine.  I am just scared that things won’t go well.  Not to mention they have lost my recommendation letters.  ARG!  I really hope they don’t refuse me just on that basis.  Anyways, I have been studying at night and then practicing my songs and sight-singing in the afternoons/evenings.   It’s been three years since I have really done alot of this stuff…the only thing I have been able to keep up with is my singing.  Thankfully I have that much going at least.  I am just going to be thankful when this is over with.  It is going to be slow going since I have to go only part time.  Maybe some day that will change…but I am not holding my breath.  Anyway, I am also going to be auditioning for another play.  I know, I know…I am crazy.  With my work schedule, school, and the possibility of another play..I won’t really be sleeping much.  Ahh, the things we do for the things we love!  Well that’s my most recent update…I have to get back to studying, but in case anyone was curious…that’s what’s up!

I donno why right now, but I really miss my darling cat Iseult (pronounced ee-sult).  I got her when I was maybe 7 or so.  My mom had gotten her for herself, but the cat favored me because I gave her attention all the time, and we became lifelong buds.  I remember that she would let me dress her up in doll clothes as a little girl and if I cried she’d come to me and cuddle.  I have never met another cat like her, and I may never again.  She passed in 2005 from a long time illness.  Sometimes I think that if I had just had more money, I could have prolonged her life…but I know that probably isn’t the case.  She died probably from cancer.  She had growths on one of her legs that had to be constantly removed…and she had a condition called megacolon.  Despite it all though she was my best little friend.  Every night she would cuddle up in my arms and stretch her paws over my shoulder and fall asleep with me.  She would follow me around and cuddle every chance she got and seemed to enjoy me talking to her.  She would get defensive if people played too rough with me and would growl.  She was almost like a dog only in cat form.  I still miss her after all this time.  She was 15 years old when she died.  I know she had a good long life…and I gave her as much as I could.  When I first moved out on my own, I left her at home.  Chris didn’t want to deal with her bathroom problems…but I found after a while I missed her too much.  When I’d go home..my mom always said Iseult would seem to cheer up and after I’d leave would not be nearly as happy without me.  I finally took her back with me, and she would greet me every day when I’d get home from school or work.  She would give me her happyly little meow and sit very prim and proper and then get up and follow me to where ever I’d go and sit.  She loved to sit on my lap and especially loved her belly to get rubbed.  Even in her old age, she was always playful.  She loved to attack my pencil as I wrote things, or jump and shred newspaper, or even feet and hands moving under a blanket.  I can’t say never did anything wrong, but despite those few times…she is still a beacon of happiness in my memory.  I still dream of her often, of being reunited with her…almost like she’s visiting me from the other side.  I always know in my dreams that she can’t stay, but I relish the short time we have together.  It’s funny…even though we couldn’t talk as humans do, sometimes it seemed like we did on some level.

The day that she died I remember that I came home from work right around 10pm.  I had to go to the bathroom really bad and I walked through the back door and heard her meowing.  I couldn’t stop right at that moment though because mother nature was being insistant.   So when I was done I came back down stairs only to find her next to the little box crying for me.  She was sitting there on the mat we had just calling for me.  I picked her up and noticed her back legs weren’t working…and they were cold.  I remember I just lost it.  I started bawling with her there in my arms.  I called Chris and my mom saying it was time that I had to put her down…and I wasn’t strong enough to do it by myself.  I couldn’t drive because I could barely see through my tears…and I held her and just howled practically with sorrow.  My mom drove up and picked me and her up and took us to Texas A&M after hour small animal clinic and we met with a vet.  I knew there was no saving Iseult and she was in so much pain…it was time.  They took her away from me for a moment, and made a paw print of hers (I still have this hanging in my house).  I held her when they gave her the injection…I’ll never forget..

She looked up at me, almost with a sigh of relief…her bright blue eyes at ease finally, her silly lop-sided smile (she was missing some teeth at this age) and she stretched her paws up… one  first touching my nose as she often did, then she stretched them up over my shoulder and sighed…went to sleep..never to wake.  I cried that day probably more then I have ever.  I still miss her every day.  I don’t know why this morning I miss her so, but I do.  She touched my life with a special love…silly as it may be to those who have never been touched like that by a pet.  I was just thinking to myself how much I want to go home and cuddle up with my little white manx kitty and go to sleep when I get home.  Too bad she isn’t there.

I am currently at work.  My musical went really well for those that want to know.  I am now involved in another production…a magic show!  It will be showing August 7th, 8th, and 9th at 8pm located at North Harris College in the Houston area.  I play a character named Eternity :-)  Today I got to have my head wrapped in masking tape so we could work on my head piece…that was good fun lol.  As much as I have enjoyed this all though…I am tired.  I don’t get nearly enough sleep when I am working nights and doing some stuff during the days.  Looks to be that way in the fall too since I’ll be at Sam Houston going to school.  I finally have my audition with the music department!  YAY!  It’s kind of a scary next step, but I know I’ll get through it and do well.  I just have to practice and study like a mad woman as much as I can.  I am really excited though to continue on my way.  I am sad though cause I won’t have time to do theater stuff this fall :-(  I want to make time if I could.  I never thought I’d enjoy the theater stuff as much as I do…but I really love it.  Maybe I can find a way.  We’ll see lol.  If not this fall …maybe in the spring…maybe.  The only other tough thing about my schedule (work and everything else) is that I only see Chris a few days a week, despite the fact that we “live” together.  I see him much less then I used to.  Maybe there will come a day when we’ll see each other more, but you never know how things will turn out.  Ultimately though, I can’t wait to have my degree and to be able to presue my loves of life…you  know…all that artsy stuff :-P  Anyways, I am done for tonight.  Hopefully I’ll update again soon.